How to Be President
(with no apologies to William Schwenck Gilbert, who I hope would have loved it)

When I was a lad, I went to Yale;
A legacy admission, I just couldn't fail.
Joined Skull and Bones and downed a lot of drink,
And never ever dreamed of learning how to think.
[Chorus: And never ever dreamed of learning how to think. etc. for each verse]
I dreamed so little, they rewarded me
By making me the president of this country.
[Chorus: He dreamed so little they rewarded he
By making him the president of this country. etc. for each verse]

When school was done there was the Vietnam War
But Poppy got me sent to do a cushy chore
But even that got in the way of booze
So I went AWOL in my walking shoes
I dodged the draft so well, that you can see
That now I am the president of this country.

From job to job I wandered here and there
My friends would see to my most trivial care
From them the baseball and oil deals came
When insiders profited, I had no shame.
From shamelessness I learned to lie with glee,
And lies made me the president of this country.

As Texas governor, I did so well
At doing nothing that the right could tell
For NAC I'd be the perfect tool,
Behind the scenes they'd get their chance to rule.
A dummy is what I was meant to be,
A dummy who is president of this country.

I got the job because of ballot pranks
My brother and Scalia get a lot of thanks
Bin Laden saved me from the fate so gray
Of accounting for my actions in a truthful way.
I lied my way into a war to be
Appointed again president of this country.

Now slackards all, you can take my advice,
And never think of what you're doing once or twice.
Just follow orders from the right-wing throng,
And slander anybody who knows you are wrong.
Let money talk instead of speech that's free,
And you can be the president of this country.